Well 2014 arrived, and I was still trying to sort out the mess from 2013. I don’t think I’m the only one, I think lots of people want a fresh start as a New Year is welcomed in with alcohol and singing and most likely a stonker of a hangover, but they also find that bits of the messy thing we call life are carried into the New Year.
2013 was a really difficult year for me. It started with the collapse of a relationship, homelessness, no job, no money and a child that needed support as the rug was pulled from under us.
Gradually as the year progressed I started to rebuild a life. I got a good job, my son was happier and then as it always does the pull of my old life appeared. A very close friend of mine wisely said, don’t go back, leave the past in the past, keep moving forward. But you know how it is, the remnants of love, the want to be back and stable and happy in the home you thought you would be in for a very long time.
So I stepped back. Now this was not easy, there was hurt and distrust to overcome but you know what, if you cover your ears and lalala instead of listen to your instinct then guess what? Yep thats right you just do it.
I cut myself off from the nay sayers, I decided if they couldn’t support me I would do this alone. I wanted to be 100% present and positive in my choice.
So the end of 2013 arrived. All the stress I had buried, all the worry I had ignored, all those voices from my instinct decided it was time to burst out. I started to get panic attacks, I felt sick, I cried all, and I mean ALL the time. The doctor offered counselling, I went to one session and decided I didn’t want to dig any deeper, I didn’t want to find what was buried in the true reality.
The end of 2013 was a big bad wake up call. All the worries and fears were realised, once again I was on the verge of losing my home, and I had no-one to blame. You see I ignored my instinct throughout 2013, I knew that something was up. I had avoided people I knew would support me but only after saying “we told you so”.
SO the decision has been made, I am moving home to my parents. 46 years old and living at home, hhhmmm that wasn’t really in my life plan. But you know what was in my life plan, working for a company whose ideals I love, writing more and more and being surrounded by people I love and who care for me no matter what.
Life, The Universe, “God”…however you view it just had to wait for me to stop being so stubborn and turn up for my life, for me to take responsibility for the part I have played, to release the blame and anger for others parts in my poor choices, then and only then can I move forward and thrive.
SO HELLO 2014, I’m ready for my life now